Regret
by HellIsHere
Summary: Five days after Fred's funeral, things at the Burrow were looking normal. Hermione decides to finally confront Ron about their mid-battle kiss, but due to the stress the battle put on her, and the insecurities she still harbored from her Hogwarts days, she plays it off as a heat-of-the-moment reckless act, leaving Ron devastated. Will she have a chance to fix her mistake?


Five days after Fred's funeral, the Burrow finally started to feel somewhat normal again. One or more of the Weasley children would wake up late, and get scolded by Mrs. Weasley, Mr. Weasley would come out of his shed covered in soot with a sheepish look on his face, presumably experimenting with the many muggle objects he kept in there, and Ron could occasionally be seen reluctantly de-gnoming the garden.

However, no matter how normal things appeared, no one in that household would ever be the same again. The war had absolutely taken its toll on them all, Harry, Ron Hermione and of course George more than the others.

This was what was on Hermione's mind on an evening where everyone was trying to be normal. She watched Ron dismantling Harry in a game of chess as per usual, whilst reading a book. It was something which all too often summed up their free time at Hogwarts.

Her attention was not on the game or the book however. It was on Ron. His face alternated between concentration and satisfaction as he thought of the next three or four moves and felt the accomplishment when he took one of Harry's pieces or when he lured Harry into a trap.

"You're getting good Harry." Ron said.

"Had to happen some time, playing you of all people constantly." said Harry, smirking at him.

The scene felt like she was transported back to her Hogwarts years. Then too, she would sneak looks at Ron when he wasn't looking. This time however, instead of affection or even lust, all she could feel was regret. Ron had come clean to her the day after the final battle with what the locket did to him. Her immediate reaction was shock - she never thought Ron could have come to such conclusions about himself.

But then she thought things through. She put the pieces together and realized that with what Ron had to deal with on a day-to-day basis, combined with her own actions, she could not blame him. She of course apologized earnestly about her treatment of him upon his return to the horcrux hunt, insisting that she was completely out of line and inconsiderate.

After that talk though, her thoughts were consumed by her and Ron's rocky friendship at Hogwarts. She would often blame Ron for... in essence, every falling out they had. But she was equally guilty, and realized that she never apologized for it or had to try and make up for it. The Yule ball in all fairness was more Ron's wrongdoing, but her reaction to Ron being made a prefect? Ron's relationship with Lavender and how she had responded?

She let the fact that she physically _attacked_ Ron more than once sink in. If Ron had ever done the same to her, no one would ever forgive him... how on Earth did they forgive her? Twice? Especially the first time with Ron's relationship with Lavender. What had Ron done wrong? Felt attracted to an attractive girl?

She definitely regretted her thoughts on Lavender given what happened to her at the battle. It was bad enough that she was killed, but in such a brutal way by what can only be described as a human animal like Fenrir Greyback...

All in all, Hermione felt like she didn't deserve to be seen by Ron in such a positive light. Ron should be with someone else. Someone who doesn't make him feel like he was worth so little, that was certain.

But she kissed him... and he kissed her back. They may not yet have talked about it, but that wasn't going to go away. That must have meant that Ron at least felt _something_ for her.

If this was her sixth year at Howarts, she'd have been ecstatic. But this wasn't her sixth year at Hogwarts. And she wasn't ecstatic. Whether or not Ron felt something for her was irrelevant. Ron should not be tied down to someone like her. In any case, they were all still so young. Their experiences might suggest otherwise, but nothing changed the fact that they were eighteen years old. She had to do something soon.

"Checkmate." Ron declared, pulling Hermione out of her head.

"For fuck's sake Ron!" Harry said.

"Why do you keep playing him?" Hermione asked.

"It's the best way to get better. Doesn't make it any less annoying when he keeps hammering me." Harry grumbled. Ron simply sat there with a smug look on his face.

It was almost as if he was more at home on a chessboard than anywhere else.

Hermione hated what she was about to do, especially when Ron was in such a good mood, but knew that she had to do it now, or risk putting it off forever.

"Harry, can you give us a moment?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, I needed to talk to Bill anyway." said Harry, heading to the fireplace.

Once Harry had flooed over to Shell Cottage, Hermione turned to Ron with a very guilty look on her face.

"Hermione, what's wrong? You look like you've... I dunno, spilled ink all over someone's essay or something." said Ron.

"I'm fine. Well... not fine, but I need to talk to you about something." said Hermione.

"What about?" Ron asked. Clearly, he wasn't yet prepared to talk about that now infamous kiss.

Hermione gulped. She could hardly believe what she was about to do.

"After we went down into the Chamber of Secrets and met up with Harry... do you remember what I did?" Hermione asked.

It was Ron's turn to gulp. Furthermore, his ears began to redden.

"Yeah. Likely won't be forgetting that in... ever." said Ron, his lips twitching into something of a smile.

Hermione knew that she'd probably regret what she was about to do for years, but at least it would unshackle Ron.

"I just want you to know why I did that." said Hermione.

"Yeah, I'm listening." said Ron. His heart could almost be heard hammering away in his chest.

"Look, we were in the middle of a battle. Things would explode around us, and any of us might not have made it to the next morning. I just... had to do something different. Something reckless." said Hermione.

 _What am I doing?_ Hermione thought to herself, as she saw Ron's face fall.

"I'm so sorry. I wish it didn't have to be something that messed with your emotions. It shouldn't have been at your expense. I-" Hermione started.

"It's OK. I get it. I don't know what I was expecting anyway." said Ron, in an emotionless tone.

"Are... are you sure?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, I'm not exactly in control of what you feel." said Ron. This was as good as an admission that Ron was in love with her. Hermione desperately tried to hold back tears.

Furthermore, that was far from the truth. Ron's mood had a direct influence on her own almost every day.

"Th-thank you for understanding." said Hermione, in a very small voice, before scurrying up the stairs as if Ron were ready to explode.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Ron let out his real feelings.

"Fuck's sake Weasley, what were you expecting?" he asked himself.

* * *

Hermione, not knowing what to do next, immediately went to Ginny.

"Ginny? Are you in there?" she asked, knocking on Ginny's door.

"Yeah, what's going on?" Ginny asked.

"I really need to talk to you." said Hermione, realizing how desperate and vulnerable she sounded.

"Hang on." said Ginny, opening the door for her.

"Hermione... what happened?" Ginny asked, as the two of them walked in. Ginny was visibly worried about Hermione, based on nothing but the look on Hermione's face.

"I might have done one of the most absurdly daft thing I've done in a long time." said Hermione, looking at her feet.

"You're Hermione... what could you have done?" Ginny asked.

"I just drove Ron away." said Hermione.

"Wait... what? What do you mean?" Ginny asked.

"You know about me kissing him in the battle already. I talked to him about it today..." Hermione said, before trailing off.

Ginny put her hand on Hermione's shoulder.

"Go on." she said.

"Right... well I told him that I did that because... because I wanted to do something reckless in the heat of the moment." said Hermione.

"What? Why?" Ginny asked, shocked.

"This is probably going to sound ridiculous to you." said Hermione.

"Since when were you and Ron anywhere near normal?" Ginny countered.

"I suppose you're right. Well it goes back to what you just said. Our relationship was always quite rocky to say the least. But I found myself thinking about it the other day, and I realized that I in essence, not literally of course, got away with murder." said Hermione.

"I don't follow." said Ginny.

"Ron and I are at least equally to blame with any problems we've had. But Ron is the only one who's ever faced any consequences. Combine that with what the locket did to him..." Hermione said shivering.

"I don't like where you're going with this." said Ginny, thinking back to the haunted look on Ron's face when he explained it to her.

"Nor do I. But I have to explain this. Like I said, Ron's the only one who ever apologized or go berated, or... faced any sort of consequences. For whatever reason, everyone just saw me as some sort of saint all the way through. But I'm equally responsible. More so I'd argue. Ron has only intentionally hurt me once since we became friends, and it was just a single petty incident. Me on the other hand... I've been the one to actively try and hurt him, and I've done it both physically and mentally. There are at least five occasions I can think of" said Hermione, the shame completely obvious on her face.

"Physically?" Ginny asked.

"I attacked him with birds I conjured, and I punched him at least ten times when he came back to the hunt." said Hermione, feeling awful about herself.

"But given the circumstances, didn't you think he deserved it?" Ginny asked. Knowing why Ron actually abandoned them, Ginny didn't actually think Ron was totally in the wrong, but from Hermione's point of view in the moment, it made sense to her.

"Well let's just do a quick thought experiment. Imagine if the roles were reversed, and I abandoned Ron and Harry and came back. Ron hits me when he sees me. Does that seem forgivable to you?" Hermione asked.

"You're... you're right. But haven't you apologized for hitting him or anything?" Ginny asked.

"I have, but that's not the point. I keep trying to put a leash on Ron. That's the problem. He was in the wrong for the Yule Ball when I was there with someone else, and somehow, I did some mental gymnastics and he was sill in the wrong two years later when he was the one with someone else. That's just not fair. And then there's the time when he was made prefect. The point it, I don't think he should be tied to someone like me." said Hermione.

"Someone clever? Brave? Kind? Beautiful?" Ginny asked.

"Firstly, I really don't think I'm that beautiful. Secondly, that doesn't mean that I haven't been manipulative or unfair to Ron in the past. Or just outright unnecessarily aggressive." said Hermione.

"Look, no one said you're perfect, but you forget that Ron isn't either. You're as good as anyone would ever get, even Ron." said Ginny.

Hermione inwardly noted how Ginny framed her response. A year ago, she would have said something alone the lines of 'you're as good as anyone would ever get, let alone my idiot brother'. She, Harry and Ron clearly weren't the only ones who'd changed.

"I'm not so sure. Ron's going to the auror academy. The best of the best go there, I'm certain he'll find someone better than me there." said Hermione.

"Honestly Hermione? I think the best he'd find anywhere, yes, even the auror academy is a watered down version of you." said Ginny.

Hermione gave Ginny a weak smile.

"I can see where you're coming from, but I just needed to vent in all honesty. I probably won't change my mind." said Hermione.

Ginny gave Hermione a pitying look, and the conversation had ended.

* * *

Sleeping that night was nearly impossible for both Hermione and Ron. Hermione, however was more upset over the whole situation . She looked towards Ginny, envious of how easily she could sleep now, and even more envious of the fact that she and Harry had almost immediately got back together and were both deliriously happy.

But soon, her mind drifted back towards the battle. People were screaming and dying around her. Lavender, Colin Creevey, Remus, Tonks, Fred... Ron taking curses for her left and right, leaving her baffled that he was still standing at the end...

Suddenly, she felt as if she were back in the battle itself, and the feeling was nothing short of terrifying. In fact, she felt her heart hammering almost through her chest, and she started breathing very heavily, gasping desperately for more air.

Soon enough, she felt like she couldn't breathe at all, and dragged herself out of the bed to try and get some space. She eventually got loud enough to wake Ginny up.

"Wha-Oh! Hermione!" Ginny said, rushing over to her, trying to calm her down. Nothing she did had any effect - rubbing her back didn't work, comforting words did nothing.

Ginny was now genuinely worried for Hermione's health.

The next thing she did was run straight for Ron's room, and bang on his door loudly.

Ron opened the door, looking very confused.

"Ginny... wha-" he started, before Ginny interrupted.

"Ron! It's Hermione! You've got to help her!" Ginny said.

The mere mention of Hermione's name set Ron into action, and he started to sprint down the stairs towards Ginny's room, Ginny following him, barely keeping up.

"Shit! Hermione, relax, it's me, I'm here." said Ron, lifting Hermione onto the bed, keeping her seated.

After lifting her onto the bed, Ron knelt down in front of her, and made sure that Hermione's eyes were on him the whole time.

"Hermione, look at me. We're safe here, we're in the Burrow. Ginny's here. No one's going to hurt you." said Ron.

Hermione didn't say anything, but she was visibly calming down. Her breathing slowed, she wasn't shaking any more, and she wasn't looking at Ron with panic in her eyes any more, it was only appreciation.

"Ron... thank you." she said, finally.

Ron stood up and pulled Hermione into a hug.

Ginny stood nearby awkwardly, not knowing how to react.

"Do you two... want to go and talk in Ron's room or something?" she asked.

"Yes, I think we should." said Hermione, having not taken her eyes off Ron once.

They left Ginny alone and when they arrived at Ron's room, Ron was the first to speak.

"Hermione, are you sure you're OK? No lasting sort of... side effects or anything?" Ron asked.

"I am. And not for the first or I daresay last time, because of you." said Hermione.

"Yeah well... you needed help, what would I do?" Ron asked, blushing slightly and looking at his feet.

"Well given the fact that I just broke your heart..." Hermione said bluntly enough to shock both herself and Ron.

"I've sort of learnt to deal with that, you don't have to worry too much." said Ron.

Hermione knew that it wasn't Ron's intention, he always had the habit of speaking without thinking, but that statement made her feel awful. Once again, she thought back to how during her days at Hogwarts, her own heartbreaks were all she could think about, never realizing that Ron was going through exactly the same thing.

"You shouldn't have to." she said forcefully.

"Come off it Hermione, it is my fault. What was I thinking, expecting someone like you to fall for an idiot like me?" Ron asked.

Hermione stayed silent.

"You're a bloody genius, you've had guys like Viktor sodding Krum hanging off your every word, you've dragged me and Harry through school on your own! You don't need to drag me through the rest of my life too." Ron finished glumly.

"You don't give yourself enough credit. I wouldn't be anywhere near the person I am today without you. You don't realize it, but you've made me so much of a better person. And I repay you by breaking your heart like that." said Hermione.

"Whatever the case, whoever did more shit to the other, nothing changes how I can't control your feelings. I'm not smart enough or sensitive enough or anything like that for you." said Ron.

Hermione now thought back to her conversation with Ginny. She was wrong. Ginny was right. Furthermore, she put Ron through unnecessary pain yet again.

"You're wrong. You, Ronald Weasley are arguably the best person I've ever had the luck to meet. After everything I've done to you, you're either loyal enough or mad enough to want to be with me." said Hermione.

Ron suddenly felt a rush of courage.

"You know why Hermione. I've never said it out loud, but I know you've figured it out." said Ron, with a great deal of intensity.

"I want to hear you say it." Hermione whispered, having just been given the shivers by the intensity in Ron's face.

"What would be the point? I'm not getting anything out of it." said Ron, glumly.

"Please Ron. I just need to hear you say it." Hermione pleaded in a small voice.

Ron sighed.

"I'm in love with you. Yeah I get it, I'm fucking stupid, I-" Ron started, before being interrupted by Hermione doing exactly what she did at the battle of Hogwarts.

She jumped into Ron's arms and kissed him as passionately as she could.

Ron responded in the exact same way as he did at the battle, and lifted Hermione off the floor.

"Ron, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to you, I'm sorry I attacked you with birds, for punching you, for my reaction to Lavender, for pretending I don't love you-"Hermione started once they broke apart.

"Wait... slow down, what's going on?" Ron asked. Clearly Hermione was overloading him with information (something she had a tendency to do).

"Ron, I love you too." Hermione said, looking Ron dead in his eye.

"But... why did you say that you kissed me because you just needed to do something barmy?" Ron asked.

"Because you deserve better than me! Before you say you don't and you're lucky to have me or some such nonsense, just think about it. We've had our problems, but you're the only one who's ever faced any consequences. I got away with anything I ever did or said to you, and I never thought about it! I treated your prefect appointment like it was a shock, I attacked you twice, I deliberately played off your insecurities which I actually knew about... You deserve so much better than me!" said Hermione.

"Hermione, that doesn't change how you carried me and Harry through school, saved our sorry arses more times than I can count, or that you're in a nutshell, a super-intelligent, beautiful, brave war heroine, does it?" Ron asked.

"But-"Hermione started.

"Hermione, relationships don't work based on who did more shit to whom. It's as simple as whether two people want to be in a relationship." said Ron.

"I... I never thought about it that way." Hermione said.

"It makes sense that you'd try and think about what's fair and what's not, that's just so... you. But it doesn't matter. If you think about it, the only thing that's fair if we're in love with each other, is... you know." said Ron, who started off his sentence much more confidently than he finished.

"You're right. I know how much of a broken record I sound like about now, but I'm sorry. But I do love you Ron. If you love me too, just know that you deserve this." said Hermione.

"You know, coming from you, that means loads." said Ron, smiling broadly at Hermione.

"I don't know how this is going to sound, but... can we just not talk for now?" Hermione asked.

"Ok, but why?" Ron asked, confused.

His question was answered by Hermione's lips on his.


End file.
